The Process

The process is long, the way is hard, the streets are barren, and the ocean is deep and cold … You get me?

I doubt it …

Careless, heartless, honor-less you’re walking through it all.

I’m not slowing down I’m just getting started. Somehow we’ll break through this all on the other side. I’m looking for knights in this war … Wanna join? The pay sucks but the hearts are the truest that ever lived. Those-who-return are coming back. Who will make a way?

Surrounded by pretenders who want you to pretend can you be brave? You’re going to have to choose now. We are out of time …

When In Doubt Hold Your Breath

I’m holding and it’s good …

Just a few random pics up. They all mean a lot to me, and maybe nothing to anyone else but that’s the way I like it. Lots of random stuff coming up actually and it’s good.

I’m waiting for some answers because I’ve asked the right questions, but I’m not going to ask again. Balls in another court and all that jazz …

Work is boring, most people I’m meeting are boring. The weather is OK, yet boring …  Who knows what sort of pictures will come up next. I’m getting bored …

Halloween 2009

I had a great night, lots of fun with lots of friend. We took over the city with deadly love. Wonderful full moon out, we rampaged up and down Bourbon Street, and enjoyed Voodoo Fest all weekend. We met Gene Simmons, and sort of made love to Dave Navarro and Jane’s Addiction while they were on stage (it’s another one of those annoying, you had to be there things …).

Love to all those we partied with this weekend. Thanks for the memories and magic of another Halloween in NOLA. These are just a few pics, more up in various places soon. You are all so beautiful dead.

Boat Photos and More Stuff

Work is pretty crazy over here now. I am trying to get it all done, sometimes I am successful and sometimes I am not. It’s a very hard thing when you want to be good at everything you do and that’s never possible, because you’ll always let someone down. I am not even sure why I should care so much for letting someone down though … Isn’t that the attitude of a child ? What about everyone who lets me down? Is there no accountability there?

But I have not asked anyone why they have failed me in a while. I always make the mistake of assuming I’m always the one that fails … People who think they are more important than anyone else always fascinate me. I come off overbearing as a person but I would almost NEVER assume I was more important than you.

My father always had this attitude, and most white men I have met have it. You automatically assume the world should bow down to your will, and nearly everyone else accepts that. I always am wondering what that must be like to just be treated as powerful without earning it. I am going to take a wild guess that you don’t appreciate it or even notice it.

As a woman I have to spend long parts of my day even convincing other women that I know as much as a man, and am as capable. But I not a feminist at all, I merely just wonder what it’s like to have power and control so easily with out this long tedious up hill battle. To prove yourself as more than the “weaker” sex … Whatever that means …

I probably just need to get laid, create some beautiful art, and then set something on fire … oh well.

My father is putting his boat up for sale, it’s the end of a lifetime at sea here. Not sure how I feel about that.

Starting The Week Off Dead

Voodoo Music Experience this week Ya’ll hope to see you there! It’s goona be really nice with the cooler weather fo sho

Starting the week off good an’ dead here to enjoy the Halloween week, one of my most fav times of the year ever! I like to see the costumes and the decorations and probably see half of NOLA dressed up like Zombies at the fest since the Bingo Show want’s to make it the largest gathering of Zombies EVER! I salute this for sure! I’ll even be sporting the Zombie wear … Dead Zombie Camera in hand!

Remember the rules for Halloween in NOLA:

1. NO that cop ain’t in costume so grope at your own risk.
2. The creepy bird man on Frenchman Street is also not in costume, so don’t harass him about his candy or he just might show it to you.
3. Hurricanes and Green Grenades don’t mix (This is actually a year round rule).
4. ALWAYS harass the rich people in the Garden District for their candy (it’s usually the best in town).
5. Have fun and stay away from the graveyards cause I ain’t gonna save your ass from the Vampires there, no way (and I’m not talking about goth kids!).

P.S. Don’t forget to light your candles on All Saints Days, it’s good for ya soul ya hear me??

Disclamers

I feel like the shit I say should come with a warning. Everything I say in any of these places I write has nothing to do with anyone but me, ever. I’m giving myself pep talks, or just talking for the shit of it. That’s all. It means almost nothing. So therefor disclaimer … I will say what the fuck I want since this is cheaper than therapy.

In other news, two steps forwards and two steps back. Back and forth, moving on, moving nowhere … It makes me laugh The moment in your life you get some good things going, some success (or at least a personal wish fulfilled), there is always someone there that wants to take it away form you. Success = people resenting you for it. This all makes me very tired.

Personally I love it when other people reach goals they have set for themselves. I love to see other people get what they want. Especially when it’s friends. Unfortunately I know these sentiments are not always felt towards me. How do you fight against negative energy coming at you from people you consider friends?

Then I stop and remember that life is brutal. There are hardly any people you’ll normally meet that you’ll get to know, who will actually be true. Everybody is just waiting for you to fail so that they can point, laugh and tear you apart to try to get what they want. I’m tired and absolutely will never fall for this method of living. I refuse to be cut throat to get what I want. This obviously means that I will spend most of my life in weird obscurity, success-less and quietly sitting in the corner of the room.

I don’t see this as a bad thing at all. I refuse to sale-out for pettiness and selfishness and lessen my life even more than life already does to me. This does not make me a good person, or someone even trying to be a good person, this just makes me someone with rules. Rules that keep me from being bored during the day.

I try to trust and it just blows up in my face. I’m only 29 and I feel like I’ve learned way to damn much way to damn soon. If I’m gonna get repeats of this for the next 50 years this is going to get boring really, really fast.

Decent Days, Long Nights, and Pictures

Way too much to do these days, like always. Way to much to express … yet again not enough time. I could whine for days but that would take so much time. Also, apparently everyone is just as busy, and indeed more busy than me. So … I have never been more grateful to be alone, be working and be no one. Yes, seriously … Everyday I wake up and am reborn, I do the best I can. One day at a time, and I’ve got REALLY simple wants these days … Hardly any wants at all …

I wish I could say more. But it would just amount to increased whining, and that does not get us anywhere.

I’ve got some massive vast places in my brain I need to explore. Long built landscapes and such, which finally feel safe to come out of hiding. Such massive weighty things take a long time to build and come into birth. I don’t find myself concerned very much with what anyone thinks. You live and die on your own like everyone else. I don’t define myself by other people, never have never will. Life is not a cage.

Interesting Week

To say the lest it has been an interesting week. I could say a lot about it or nothing at all. Would not make much sense to anyone but me though, since really everything you learn is built on just your own past experiences.

Got to see three really great bands play on Monday night: The Becoming, Dommin, and The 69 Eyes. It was a great treat for me because I am usually working at night but my boss actually decided to take off that day. Sometimes things happen for a reason I guess. Great shows all!! Really enjoyed it a lot. Trying to get pics up soon, just super busy here with “real” work I guess …

Just a few pics for now. Love live music and taking pics. Very much wish I had more time to indulge this hobby but alas I have a complex and full life, I don’t just follow one path. But I do like to add a little photography to everything I do.

NOTE: Also even though I know no one will, I have to say please don’t use these photos without my permission. I REALLY HATE to put my stupid fucking name on them. It annoys the hell out of me big time. Look, enjoy and that’s all … Wish you had been there with me.

Another Night

Another night and it’s alright! Maybe … Over a bunch of things now. Have learned so much from friends lately I feel so very lucky. These beautiful and ugly dreams flow from one instance to another like butterflies in the wind (was that too over the top ???) …

The only power people have over you in the power you give them.

You all have so many beautiful dreams I want to hear them all … Is there time for us? I never want to leave you in the dark alone. I take everything with me everywhere I go, you go with me … I have all I need right here inside.

God I love being over the top … HEY YOU!!! Are you awake out there!!!! This is life you are missing … fools.

The pieces fall into place and out again … chaos is actually order. Nothing sustains eternally, but sometimes you can hear the echo long after the music has faded.

I am not the light bringer but I offer you light. No fear can hold me, nor ego stop me, I sleep awake … at long last I’ll find home. I offer you nothing, but all I have is free for the taking.

My purpose has always been certain. Why are you afraid?

More Dead Pictures

Sometimes you just have to get out of your own way. In other words allowing yourself to be excellent, and allowing yourself to be human despite everything. Step to the side and learn how to breath again.

No the dead did not tell me this, they are dead. What do they know?

I’m finding myself less and less impressed these days by so called “talent” … I think you can do better. I think I can do better. So why don’t we try that? No, you’re not bleeding enough for me, none of this will ever be enough. This hole will never be filled no matter what manner of art you throw down it. Maybe if you start accepting that we can start doing something original here …

Sorry I’m so demanding, but as far as I know we only have one chance and a short period of time to work with. I’m getting over the fear. I’m not going to hold back for you any more.

Nothing is ever accepted properly at its conception. It takes a death and a resurrection for understanding. So the killing time is coming, but I’m not worried about the understanding, I know how slow you are.

You have no clue as to what’s going on do you?

Just look at the pictures, that’s all I can give you now.

Cities of the Dead, Revisited

I’m generally a restless person, easily distracted and ready to go anywhere and do anything at least once. I like to wander cities and see places. That’s why I mostly take pictures of places and things. Some people always ask me why I don’t do more portraits, and I would say that’s because usually when I am with a person I don’t want to take a picture of them. I want to connect with them, shake their hand … not point a big camera in their face. I am working on portraits now of people around the city. I love shop keepers and taxi drives (my dad was one), and barristers and garbage men. Really those are people with the most interesting faces I think, and people here in New Orleans are so easy going and happy to meet you. I hope to always carry that kindness with me wherever I go.

But these are the cemeteries of New Orleans, some of the most interesting places in the world. Here is my advice: If you visit take your camera, don’t go alone, bring some flowers or a small bottle of liquor as an offering … and have a good time The dead love for you to visit them in New Orleans. Don’t go in summer though, it’s hot as hell … wait for the fall, the dead aren’t going anywhere so don’t worry.

On a personal note: Nothing anyone needs to know. Reading a lot, staying out of trouble, visiting the dead, focusing on work, and ignoring everything else.

I miss …

I miss my grandmother and the way she would smell coming out of the shower, and the lotion she would put on her hands more to heal the dryness of work than for vanity. How she would put me to bed and brush my long hair, and we would watch the late show on the same bed my mother and her sisters had shared as children. How when she would fall asleep, she would always say the funniest things, and how I have never felt so safe and wanted.

I miss the long hot and heavy summers, not for the heat but because it was a time when all the family kids came together. How my grandmother and mother would chase us out of the sweltering kitchen, and no reason for us to be there except to watch the cooking and bickering that went on between our parents. How my grandmother would freeze ice in old milk cartons and use this enormous metal pick to shear off pieces of ice for us to eat. How we were all sure that grandma could use that pick to defend us from any orcs, bad demons, or vampires that would try to break into her castle. How it was always so damn hot and no one ever wore shoes.

Sometimes in the middle of summer I think it’s snowing …

New Orleans Music Video

Also this is a little video I made of some of my favorite shots of New Orleans to a song off the True Blood sound track. Mainly because that series reminds me of my childhood (mostly the dysfunction, racism and messed up religious ceremonies) … and also moving pictures are friggin AWESOME!

Cheers!

The Summer is Almost Over

Here in the southern part of the US it’s still VERY hot, but it seems soon it will cool down a little and my favorite time of year will begin. I really love fall it’s a great time of changing colors and crystal clear days. Lot’s of great things coming up this fall I hope.

Every day I am trying something new with my camera. I am trying to hit all the spots in the city I enjoy and bring those memories with me. I have a lot of other pictures that I am just holding onto right now, and have no reason to share with anyone. I am really trying to experiment and I am having a great time. The moment this stops being fun I will stop, that is just the way of things.

Nothing to say on a personal note. My life is mine. You want to know how I really feel look at my photography.

Love to my friends who understand me even when I do not. They put up more with me than I do with myself, and this amazes and humbles me. Nothing is boundless, but I really appreciate you trying even when I have given up. My pictures are really for all of you.

Taking a break

OK some serious work needs to be done on some current projects I’m working on and I don’t need to internet to do this. So I will be off line for a while I think doing some real work.

Most things that are worth it are hard to accomplish with a lot of false starts and wrong moves. I need to finish a chapter here in my life so that I can move on. It’s the last push to finish this then I can make some actual decisions. But if nothing else I don’t really depend on anyone else to tell me who I am unlike some. I can make my own decisions about how fucked up I am or not. It’s probably why I am pissed off most of the time, it would be nice to have someone tell you who you are. Makes the day easier.

Oh everyone want’s to be the bright center of their own little world, or someone else’s little world. When I would tell you, you are as amazing as anyone I have ever met just on your own, you don’t need to attach yourself to someone’s star. I think you are quite beautiful on your own. But I am just a girl so apparently don’t know a lot … or that is what they always tell me.

Does it even matter to even say the truth or something like that? No … people always hear what they want to hear, and maybe that’s OK. I am not the light bringer here.

No … I am going back to work now. The work I am doing is hard, and I don’t need to be distracted by any other light than my own. I am going to try to improve my shitty photography, finish my work here in the city and move, and take care of my family that’s about it. And you know that’s enough for a life time.

Maybe I’ll be as wise as this guy one day.

Until then.

Weird Weekend

Yeah you ever have a weekend where you just not sure what happened between Saturday night and sometime around Sunday afternoon … OK maybe you have those all the time …

Falling in between places is strange. I’ve got too many symbols to interpret and not enough time. Life gets like that I guess … Fell upon some magic I should have fallen into a while ago. But sometimes we just don’t listen to ourselves we listen to everyone else too much.

Not very concerned about what should and shouldn’t be, just breathing … I’m always going to do it wrong for someone. Their problem …

If at least one of you were perfect I wouldn’t be looking for answers.

Tired but focused … believe it or not I am as busy as every single one of you if not busier. I just don’t bitch about it as much HAHAHA … OK maybe I do

Mission for this week: Take a chance and smile at a stranger, do something you would normally never do in your day, sing when no one is watching. Also stop picking your nose in the car …

The walls are gray

The walls are as gray
As their suppose to be.
A confluence of of overwhelming
Character you don’t see.

Everyone has a story
Telecast in it’s own way.
No one is a black hole
They all have an ending, a sway.

The pieces that crack you together
Give way to my own heart.
We strive by example
And fail/fall forever apart.

Come over here,
And divide my nights.
I overwhelm you,
Beginning at new heights.

Forgive me and
damn you all to hell.
I hold up standards,
So you do as well.

Mirror walking
Egg walking
Glass walking
Cake walking

I won’t compromise,
Abhor me,
Let’s go to hell.
Surprise we’re already there.

OK Truth?

Everything is really OK. I mean somethings could always be perfect but I wouldn’t want perfect anyway. I should never wright at night, nights are hard for me and always have been.

Right now loving very simple things, and everything is good. I am just not a good practitioner of being optimistic … I think that this is a genetic disorder in the family. It’s a bad habit I need to break somehow …

Currently trying to take better photographs, trying to get some very important things done also … I am happy, and very alone right now, but I think this is OK. I feel secure in this and at peace with it for once. I am not talking about man/woman relationships only, I am also talking about family … So I am pretty much dealing with things by myself now, and this is OK. I think they call this growing up … or some crap like that.

But everything is great and I am going to try to produce some really great pics now, and practice optimism … really hard like a religion. None of us are perfect and if you are please contact me, I’d like to meet you and run some experiments on you.

Forgiveness seems to be in little quantity these days …

More Audubon Zoo pics.

Thinking …

… about nothing in particular and also about everything in the world. If this is all a race I get left behind a lot, and there is not a lot I can do to fix that. Pinning hopes on other people is a mistake … Deal with it, they are going to let you down. You can only hold yourself up here in this life. I wish that wasn’t so … I need an ear, I need a friend, I need some lies tonight. I need someone to tell me it’s going to be OK even though I know it’s not. Lies sometimes can be like love, or maybe love is a lie.

I hate being so fucking dramatic. I wish I was a dude so everything could be just so, black and white, and cut and dry … But I’m not … I dream, I dream, I dream all day and night that I’m restless like a big old bear in a cave that can’t hibernate when told to. I don’t dream that you’ll understand I just hope, and hope is the biggest waist of time I have …

Yeah some pictures, doing some more shooting this weekend I hope. A band this time I swear … as long as I don’t forget my camera …

Hey how are you?

Hope you’re better than me … I’ve got a lot to say, but I’m just not feeling it anymore with this whole talking “thing” …

Music is going well. I like taking my photographs. I’m not getting enough sleep, I’m getting to much information … the world is crumbling around me. SO what else is new?

No I don’t have anything to say to anyone right now, even to myself … except logic pro is WAY better than Pro Tools. Pro Tool makes me want to go and hang myself out the window, at least right now … But really right now everything is making me want to go and slit my own throat so there you are.

Mama said there would be days like this, there would be days like this mama said …

Can’t Get Away From The White Alligator

See isn’t better if I start off WITH a picture … Everything makes sense right.

On the date book:

1. Shooting stuff in the FQ this weekend
2. Concert next weekend
3. Voodoo fest in October (i.e. KISS, Jane’s Addiction, Mute Math, some white rapper , and a bunch of other crap)
4. Moving … yes it’s going to happen (Stockholm via Berlin and everywhere in between, and it’s not as exciting as it sounds, and I could care less anymore).

I would move to Tokyo if I thought I could handle that, I have a offer of a job from someone, I just don’t think I can handle that right now. Truth I am here, or I move elsewhere nothing changes. Everything is going to stay the same I’ll just be colder (physically and probably mentally). I just want better access to museums and chocolate that’s about it. Nothing else will change and I am quite aware of that. I’ll be as alone there as I am here … You can never escape the world your have made for yourself does not matter how far you go. You carry everything with you, and I’ll carrying a white alligator I think. It’s like the New Orleans version of a white elephant in the room …

So there is this alligator in the room and it comes with me everywhere I go. I’ll take it to Stockholm and set up shop, see how it likes Scandinavian winters. If I get lucky it’ll freeze to death in the snow, I can only hope. Maybe I’ll get lucky and freeze to death too, I’ve always wanted to be a snow man.

No one can save you, you have to save yourself, and frankly I have always done a damn good job.

My white alligator likes to wander around … if you see it tell it I said hi.

More Pictures and a Blah, Blah, Blah

I ain’t feeling it tonight … I’m tired and beyond that, and I want to sleep and want to sing, but everything I am singing sounds like so much shit. I am pissed off and I can’t seem to sound pissed off … I’m still having a good time though. Tired … of a lot of stuff, but still actually doing really good here despite everything else.

My heart has finally healed. Kinda scabbed over … Like it’s been dragged over ground on industrial gravel. Now it’s just a bad scab I have to deal with, but the “pain” I’ve been feeling lately is gone almost completely and I’m a lot better for it. Some of the choices I’ve made recently are some of the most ridiculous choices I have ever made. I seriously must have just lost my mind for awhile. I am never going to let that happen again.

I know no one ever knows what I am talking about, but when I say don’t ever allow yourself to live in a world of your own making believe me. Deal with reality, it’s actually easier in the long run and you look less like a jack ass.

At this point … My heart is pretty much in an ice age, which is exactly where it should be. I am very aware I am not worth the time, the effort … I get it, you are all important and I am not … You really don’t have to rub it in. And no, I am actually not feeling sorry for myself at all … This is reality folks I’m dealing with it.

A nice little ice age can cover all of me for what I care. I don’t see things changing anytime soon, and I’d really like a magic potion to kill the last bit of any hope that’s left. Don’t worry I am searching for one right now … No it’s not all disaster all the fucking time, it’s just life. I’m getting older I don’t have the time to care anymore about relationships (man, woman, family), love and all that bullshit. I really don’t. I’ll leave it up to the rest of you to bang your heads against walls.

I also feel like I should just delete everything. But hell this is like free bullshit therapy … Who am I to turn down free speech?

Conclusion: My heart is a diseased organ that needs to be amputated from the rest of me. If we’re lucky we will cut out all the pieces before it goes septic … blah, blah, blah. Oh look … now you know where the blahs come in. You are so very clever!!

And photographs for people who detest words:

Katrina – 4 Years Ago Today

I don’t have a lot I can, or want to say about this. At this time four years ago today almost everyone I know were in cars driving north escaping what was being called on the news “One of the worst hurricanes we’ve ever seen …”.

I stayed behind here in New Orleans and in the Gulfport, Mississippi region. I did it to help family that refused to leave. I would spend the next month after this day just trying to, I guess survive??? So much changed after that day.

When everything you have known almost your entire life is gone and completely, when you know what fear smells like, and what real survival means you learn a lot. And unless you stayed here through 21 hours or hurricane force winds and 4 weeks with out electricity, basic services, or adequate water it’s not describable, and you should be glad for that. We were extremely fortunate and lucky as hell so I am not complaining.

The best memory I have (if there is one) is of the stars … No lights for miles meant at night, sitting on the porch in 95 degree heat looking up, we could see the full magnificence of the universe staring back at us. And just for a second the beauty in the sky made us forget about our fear. When you are stripped down to nothing only then do you get the closest to nature and to yourself.

We almost learned too much I think … I never want to look in my mothers eyes again and say good bye to life in fear. Once was enough for a lifetime. Four years and things are back on track and they are going to stay that way.