Pictures From A Lovely Day

This was a good day. I’m glad I was able to capture some of it.

The way pictures go I’m not surprised that people once thought you could loose your soul in a photograph. Fortunately it takes quite a bit more than that to loose a soul … or that’s what they tell me.

Excited about some music recently … I’ve got designs of my own … Mostly, I’m just trying to stay out of trouble. Is it working?? Not sure … I don’t think I’ve pissed off anyone today so I must be doing good.

What do I want?

1. More photo/music time!!

2. Less stress …

3. Put into motion my plans for world domination.

4. More laughing … Mostly at myself.

5. World peace … duh.

6. Just say no … to love. Seriously … life is exhausting enough (clearly I’ve never been in love right?)

7. Just say yes … to bottled red wine. Yes, we are moving up from the box . Baby steps, baby steps …

Now for a few pictures:

Traveling And …

Got some places to go now. And it’s for work, isn’t everything??

Love to travel I’ll be glad to get out of town …

What can I say? What tale can I tell so you won’t make the same mistakes as me?? Does it even matter? I’m comfortable now with the mistakes I’ve made. You can only beat yourself up for so long right? But even if these are not my mistakes, even if it’s just life … someone has to loose, someone has to pay. I’m paying, I’m paying every day.

So I loose … so what. Nothing new here. Nothing I ever really learned has come easy, it usually involves pain. But do I really learn?? I don’t know … I have a tendency to loose my mind when I get emotional and I don’t make good decisions. I can’t help it … I don’t commit halfway to anything.

There are a lot of places in my heart I’ve got to explore, I’ve got years behind me of scars on my heart that have warped a lot of things. But who doesn’t??? Duh? I’m not stupid, nor do I think I’m unique to anyone. I just hope I can make it though without pissing everyone off.

I already know I’m going to fail you … I’m just trying to figure out what the story is going to be.

Everything has become a waking dream of symbols and tales I have to tell and read … I know there is an answer here somewhere …

Old and Random Words On Music

Just some old pics that I’ve dragged out from the hard drive before I wipe it …

Musicians, black and white … don’t ever forget folks that even when your dead center on stage you can still be completely alone. I’m not saying that’s what these pics say … I’m just saying it’s the truth.

I use to sing, I use to sing all the time, dead center … bright lights, and the pressure that pushes back at you from the crowd. Random noises, people coughing, laughing, clapping … the feel of the stage beneath your feet. Treating it like the surface of a boat on rough seas. Can you stand and hold up your song beneath all that? You better, the crowd might have vegetables to throw … I kinda always wished that would happen haha!!

I miss the stage, I miss the nervousness of getting ready and the coming down after the battle is over; happy and pissed cause it’s never perfect is it? At least it never was for me …

I don’t miss the ego, or people caring more about how they look than how they sound. I don’t miss mediocrity, and putting up with stupidity. I don’t miss people with no imagination and little musical ability … oh and kids from music schools who think they know it all with their technical words. Fuck off.

I can sing just as well in my living room as I can on a stage. I don’t need the love of a crowd to make a little music, but I miss the sharing and I miss the feeling of accomplishment. But I made my choice a long time ago, and I don’t regret it. I’ve got other things I have to do. I’m content to watch … I’m happy to listen.

Besides I get asked to sing every once in awhile … I’m not dead yet after all hummmmm I love a good tune. Especially when you can sing it with your whole body, then you’re making magic!! Maybe one day I’ll make some peace with my questionable musical past But probably not …

Nights, nights …

Nights, nights … long ones recently. Trying to finish up some work so I can go on a little trip out of state. Not really looking forward to it even though traveling is my favorite thing.

Getting some things in order. Trying to stay out of trouble …

Still, not so much to say … except only a simple thing … making the right decisions is very hard sometimes.

Tonight You Are Nothing

Just to say tonight … I know everybody wants you, but I don’t want you at all … and I don’t need you at all.

We always want what you can’t have, and all communication is quite useless. And we delude ourselves into believe things that are not true, and we are all we need really.

I hurt now for wanting what I know I can’t have, but I can see a time in the future when this is going to mean almost nothing, because more important things are coming. And indeed … will I not always be wanting?

My memories are full of holes and shadows, and useless emotions, and things that may or may not have happened. The tree falling in the forest, and you are not there to hear it.

I pray for your happiness, I pray you get exactly what you want, and just what you deserve …

But if I knew how to not care about you at all I would do that … because I am certain you don’t deserve my time or kindness. I am only useful, if I am indeed useful … baring that I am nothing. Am I nothing?

Tonight you are nothing.

And tomorrow … I will forget my care.

Another Day Or One More Day At A Time

Working here … and … one day at a time. One day. Maybe that one day is the difference between sanity and something less than fine. We all make it though, and those who don’t … well I’ll light a candle for you later on my alter.

Whoopty freaken doo it’s Tuesday.

Currently listening to: Iron and Wine (The Shepherds Dog), Sigur Ros (Von) and The Smashing Pumpkins (Pisces Iscariot). I’m saving Opeth and Katatonia for when it’s killing time.

Everything’s B and W

So everything is apparently black and white these days in my head … so all these pictures will be I suppose. Things are pretty bad for me right now. But hitting bottom in a lot of ways has it’s own freedom, I guess … Or at least I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I’m emotionally hurting right now beyond what I’ve normally been able to get through, and I’m aware of that. All I can do is try to keep going and surpass these times. I can still take photos so that’s one thing … everything else is just fucked, but in life you come to times like this sooo here I am. I am aware that others are worse, and situations could be worse and blah, blah, blah … thank you. I don’t really think much of myself as it is. So accuse me of winning too … thanks … sucks.

Yeah … I feel pretty horrible. But at least there will be pictures, until I loose the joy of doing that … and then nothing. And I don’t think I really care any more … I am pretty sure this only matters to me, and I’m not really one to care theses days. Therefor it does not mater.

Happy fucking Monday.

More B&W

In the middle of the layout for the book. Seems I intend to enter it into a contest. Why not right? I like to do things without too much planing. Really this whole process is for me … I’m trying to heal some things. I don’t know if it will work but it’s better than just standing around.

It’s hot here in the city time forgot … WAY too friggin’ hot! This could be hell really if I thought I was dead. I want to go to the Audubon Zoo but I really don’t want to burst into flame.

Basically just trying to make it through the days here. One day at a time right? For addicts and alcoholics? Nope for everyone. Sinners and Saints, we are all in the same boat. I just would like to stop falling out …

More Pics From New Orleans, And Book News

Just wanted to show a few un-molested pictures from Jackson Square around Saint Louis Cathedral and say a little bit about a project I am working on.

I’m currently working on the layout and content of a photo book I’ve been wanting to put out for some time, but which I have not had the chance to. I’m not sure how long this will take me, but I hope to have it out around Christmas, or at least by the first of the year. It will be distinctly my vision of places and things I have come across over the last two years. I hope to make it a book of journeying and discovery, more than anything else. It will not be heavy on words, it will be rich with pictures.

With this book I hope to focus and highlight the extraordinary in the ordinary. To capture moments that mean nothing and everything … or something like that.

Right now I’m leaning toward black and white photos instead of color.

Here are a few pictures I really did nothing too, from the French Quarter in New Orleans, LA. Something like post cards really … one day I will use these as my memories.

Punch Drunk Ghost

I only pray now for myself.

I need a vacation … from that same self. I’ll be lucky if I get any sleep. No one can take care of you but you, and I’m not doing a very good job. I don’t care enough about myself to give a dam.

I’m completely clueless. Up is down, down is up … I am not who I am. I am exactly who I am.

I think I’ll go to the zoo this weekend and take pictures of the animals. Everybody likes tigers right??

Till then … punch drunk ghost am I.

Churches

I’ve got a thing for them … churches I mean.  Started when I was 16 and my mother took me to Italy. Now, any church I see I have to go in and check out the art. Some of the most beautiful art in the world is contained in churches. And I won’t get into those issues with you … My feelings about organized religion have nothing to do with my appreciation of the art found there.

I just think it’s groovy … little statues of Mary remind me of home …

Hi

Still … I have no words. Nope not a thing …

I will say I’ve had weird dreams all weekend about ghost living in an attic, and I’m driving around trying to find them. Why would I be trying to do this? … I’ve no idea. But there you are, that’s dreams … (well … I have an idea why I would be doing that … but that’s not for you to know).

I’m still breathing here, I’ve got invisible love, but it’s visible.

Enjoy my windows …

These Days

I’m not compromising today. Words are still useless … silence says more than words.

I’m done …

Half-Life

Not much to say these days. Words are pretty useless …

Enjoy the photographs …

Museum Dance

I re-introduced myself to my favorite museum in New Orleans. It’s a great place, they have a decent collection of both Renaissance art, artifacts, and installation pieces. When it is too hot in the city to do anything else, this is a good alternative. I had a really great time, and I’ll probably go back soon to experience the sculpture garden in more detail when I’m not bursting into flame outside.

Updates here? Nothing much. Singing and playing and trying to take things as they come. Watching a lot of anime, listening to The Gutter Twins, running around naked and turning into a werewolf at the “fool” moon … usual stuff. Finding it real easy right now to write some new music. Getting my inspiration from my Grandfather … he likes this kind of thing. And you know … I don’t think I suck that bad. Reminds me of when I was in music school when I was little and discovered I could make a noise that meant something. It’s a good way to communicate. Words are weak really.

All this Internet, all this e-mail, all this twitter, all this txting …. it’s getting so hard to communicate.

Pictures are from the museum. I love museums.

Prayer

I pass along what I’ve been given,
And that which is not mine to keep.
I give freely and without want.
I give kindly with no malice.
I ask for unity at this time.
I ask for clarity at this time.
I ask for protection at this time,
For myself and for others.
I look for healing
of the mind and the body.
I acknowledge that I am powerless.
I look for help beyond what I know.
I know I will be helped.
I believe all these things in love.

Black and White Nights

Sort of leaching out the colors now. But I think they’ll be creeping back in quite soon. Hard for it not too.

I have a lot to say I have nothing to say … I generally find the days to be more black and white than the nights.

Everything will be what it is right now … There is peace in that at least. Everything has been having too much depth of feeling recently, which I think explains the turn toward black and white. Easier to focus on lines and shapes …

I’m excited that things are falling apart. Because don’t you see this means we’ve learned, and have not lived our lives static, sheep in the fields.

±

I’m calling you on the spirit phone
The connection is dead.
Why don’t you pick Up
And hear what I’ve said.
I want nothing and
Nothing is what you said.

Waiting …
The loneliest sound.

Serpentine the night

Serpentine the night I say,
I saw you in Delphi
That summer.
Leaving me there
Do you leave?
The lust of long nights,
The dust of days,
No crawling
You say?

Launch out the depth.
No cosmic button
Set in center
Have I?
For once you laugh,
They laugh.
The serpents laugh,
They know the color.
The smell?

Once in Delphi
I heard you laughed.
Upon ruins of love,
You puncture me
I bleed?
Set out the stars
Upon each other
Your imagination
Is poison…

Some nights are made …

… and some nights are broken … well it makes sense to me … it’s not my fault you don’t live in my world …

I have been feeling great and doing great. I have some good people in my life, friends here in New Orleans taking care of me. My family life is shot to hell right now … It’s hard. Not as hard as some things have been, but harder than I would have thought.

Tonight is hard … I’m crying and singing and doing both at the same time. I finally got to rest today, and there is no rest. I can’t express anything … most of it is too extreme. And I know you don’t listen anyway … you don’t ever listen to a damn word I say … and I say too many that don’t mean anything. It helps to cover up the fear.

I am sure my life is an on-going joke.

Yes I am laughing …

I think I am leaning to black and white photos now …

“out in space a million miners work upon the nights cold face … “
-travis

Work On Happiness

Found out something very important the last few weeks … You’ve got to WANT to be happy.

I’ve been beating myself up about a lot of things at work recently making the situation I am in harder on myself. I am a good worker I work hard, I try hard to do the best I can I try to learn all the time. I never want to stop learning there is always something new that can be discovered in music, art, science … relationships in general. I’ve been in a lot of pain recently. Not because I wanted to be I assure you (and by pain I mean mental).

Life is life, things are things … to beat yourself up over a situation you have no control over is negative and only hurts you. I don’t need anymore pain. My life has been lucky since I was born. I almost did not make it out of childhood, but I persisted and I am here. I have seen a lot and experienced a lot … these days are beautiful. Who am I to complain? Who am I to cheapen my own life by focusing on it’s faults instead of the successes?

You’ve got to want to be happy. And I don’t mean a little … You’ve got to want it like oxygen, like water, and it has to come from you. If you’re basing you happiness on someone else it will not last and it will be hollow. You are strong enough to support your own happiness, you don’t need someone to do that for you.

We are all warriors here, these lives are our battle ground, and you are fighting for your life every day. It IS desperate … these things are happening NOW … The worse sin? Complacence.

Are you awake??? Can you take a minute and not lie to yourself? Are you strong enough to see the truth about you? It is a challenge every day …

Let a man with no sin cast the first stone.

But I am not stone casting here. I never am. I’m trying to wake up and see, because all I’ve ever wanted was an explanation for the way things are. It seems sometimes this is the worst sin … Questions are sometimes the scariest part, and more often than not have no explanation. This makes me happy. This is a work on happiness.

Ass Kissing … The New Black

I’ve never been a big fan of ling about how I feel. If you’ve read any of my post I am sure you understand that. I can be at times over the top and too harsh, at least in some settings. I don’t have a very good “shut the fuck up” filter. Some would say I don’t have one at all … but I’m bothered recently by some things I am am seeing … Things I should have been aware of but I guess I never thought about it. Basically this endless need some people have to overly lie and be nice to people so they can get what they want, whether it be attention or love or even material items.

Now it should be said this is in human nature. It’s only natural that we manipulate and lie to get what we want. I totally understand and acknowledge that, everyone does it … you, me your grandmother, cats … it’s all true. But when this manipulation gets to the point where it’s just tacky and tasteless and quite frankly when you start acting like a whore (aka saying ANYTHING to get a score) is when I’m going to start having problems with you. The worst at this game … girls … of course.

We are already manipulative little bastards, throw in a boy or two and it all goes down hill from there. Some girls seems to have no sense of self, and so define who they are by the boys they show their attention to. And god help any woman who might want to be friends with such a boy. Of course the boys love it … So there we are as women fighting each other for what? A dude? Give me a fucking break …

Of course the manipulation continues because the guy does not want it to stop of course! Who would! To have women at your beck and call … so very nice. So then the vicious circle is competed by the guy … and then it’s great times for everyone. What is pissing me off here is not the guys response, it’s the women of course. If you are allowing yourself to be lied to that’s fine, but when you start believing the lie is when this gets so very sad. You have a relationship with a man based on lies that YOU started. When you crash and burn I have no sympathy for you … like most things you’ve brought this on yourself.

Frankly I’m just going to step back and take notes … I’m learning so much this year about men and women and why I have been single so long. This was a good plan on my part. I really don’t have time for this kind of bull shit.

Two more pictures from Helsinki. Check out more at this link …..

Don’t Drunk Dial!

I’ve been drunk dialing all weekend. Bad habit … I am the kind of drunk that likes to kiss not fight. And that’s what I needed this weekend … kissing not fighting. Also forgetting, which I am doing a lot of.

But the drunk dialing is unfortunate. Most of my good friends live quite far away from me so when I’m feeling the love and I want to say hi a drunk dial is in order. When you are doing it it’s fun … the next morning? Maybe not so much. Really just don’t do it. You never know what you will say and you won’t remember it the next day, and that’s never a good plan. Also, don’t drunk e-mail … not a good idea. Weirdly enough I spell better drunk than I do sober which always cracks me up the next days when I read e-mails …

Helsinki, somewhere. Ice, snow … sky … Dreams tonight about this.

Un-Plugging – For Awhile At Least

I feel it and I believe it is true that it’s time to un-pug from the Internet for awhile. Not this blog though, just the sites like Crack Book (face book) and My Face (my space). Need to figure out what my direction is going to be … having quite unusually confusing times here, so I don’t need any complications. I also just need to focus on my job now … so I can figure out this whole moving situation. Obviously there are a few people who I will communicate with no matter what, but I just need to chill for awhile and go out take some pics of stuff, jam a little … get some head space.

I need to relax …

I don’t appreciate all this noise upstairs in my head. I don’t appreciate this intense need … My heart’s been a battle ground lately. Time to bury the dead …

Jazz pics … duh, till I get something else.